p3rfectIyFLAWED

Shay is so lucky that I am changing my life and myself for the better  because if this was yesterday I would erase her ass off the  map. Why did loser shay text me and woke me up from my nap to apologize for the blow out we had last week or earlier this week, whenever it was. I said dont worry about it im sleep U good, u know the normal, so I can go back to sleep. Not ten minutes later I get another text saying she got smething on her mind that I will be mad about and instantly I was thinking "damn this bitch played me and went ahead with her messy sneaky games and she tryna confess. So i told her tell me now what it is and it better not be about chrystal or thats her ass. Why did loser shay say okay but dont respond to the text u get. LMFAOOOOOOOOOO the text I got said "This is sharol's girlfriend, we are now official and she just put a ring on it, u had your chance honey." OMGOSH i swear i CRIED laughing, i even let my auntie get a taste of that humor. I couldnt even get mad at that, in my head i was thinking YAYYYYYYY THE STALKER IS GONE! It was just so funny that her "officialboo" fed into whatever lie sharol told her for her reason of texting me. why the hell was sharol texting me if she was with her girlfriend anyway, Sharol told me not to respond i guess because she didnt want me to tell the girl what the deal REALLY is, all i said was "oh lol! girl congrats!" That was all that needed to be said, PHEW the Lord was definitely with me, because laughter instead of vengeance was definitely a mature act. I can be the bigger person and not be vengeful simply because i dont give two shits about sharol stupid ass, i honestly dont care about her. She shoulda been moved on I mean damn women we were together for two months over a year ago.  Glad she wont be randomly popping up huh Chrystal? Damn me and shunda laughing about it again. OUT!

As I stated on my most recent facebook status, a wise man told me told me that things may be going wrong in my life for a reason, that maybe God is trying to tell me something and I need to reevaluate myself and figure out exactly what it is. I have come to the conclusion that God is disappointed in the way that I have let my love for Chrystal consume me. I let my feelings for her take complete control over me and turn me into a different person, a person not desirable by Him nor her. I realized that I have lost track and lost focus of my life, I have become so consumed on planning out my future with Chrystal that I have forgotten to plan or even live my own life. I feel that I sat around and became a negative and lazy person simply because I wasnt where I wanted to be, which was right next to her. Now I realize that we have to work with what we have and the distance between two people does not validate the success of a relationship, no matter what other people may say. Chrystal has taken some time away from me and it gave me some time to think, which is what I feel her intentions were. To give me some time to evaluate the person that I have become and the person that I once was striving to be. I want to be happy, in my life, my career, and my relationship. I have become very contradictory and I began to let my "fears", which really weren't fears, come in between me and Chrystal, then I began to dwell on these fears and blow them out into a great of NOTHING. I made her feel like I dont trust her, when i really do. In my heart I trust her but I know my actions towards her have said something different. It has been two days that I have not talked to her (although she called both days, it wasnt normal so i still consider them as us not talking) I have realized that she is a huge asset in my life and I feel empty without her here. Its hard to go own with my day without her because I think about my baby every second. I reminise about the times that we have had from day one and I dream about the memories that we can make in the future. As far as nursing school goes, as long as I stay focused I know that I can be successful during nursing school and I am going to be focused consistently, that way I dont have to stress last minute. I am still not 100% about where I want to go for nursing school, and I want to apply to many schools, based on the mississippi schools I want to go to MUW, but ultimately I do want to be in the same state with my princess. But the only way that I will consider a school in a state near her is if she asks me to consider it, and then I will search for the best school in that state, I will not confine myself to a school within the city that she is in. That way we can still be distant to maintain focus, my job will transfer, but we are a reasonable distance from each other when we are in a time of need. So that is my decision about nursing school. I still have a year to make a final decision and I do want Chrystal to help me weigh out my pros and cons and come up with a decison, the only reason I say that is because she is better with helping me situate things out like she does with my credit card payments and such. She keeps me focused and I appreciate it. Although it hurts and I have cried every step of the way, I know why she made the decison that she did and I am not mad at her for it because I did need a reality check. And from this point on I think I will be a better, and happier person. (I actually got hungry today AND i have been getting work done on my car without stressing about the bills!) So I want to thank her. Just please dont give up on me. I love you and I want u and God to forgive me for being lost and losin focus.

it has almost been a year and i find myself amazed at thelevel of growth betweenn us. neither of us are the same person that we were when we came into this relationship. through all the tears, the arguements, the pain; she is still the  one that i can see myself with at the end if the day. if we can make it through tthese years of not seeing each other and spending time with each other consistently i think we will be able to make it through anthing when the time comes that we can be together whenever we feel. i love her so much.

I'm playing dominoes online with the wifey. And she kicking my ass!
Okay its not supposed to end this way.  But gives me an idea for game night lol!

HAPPY EASTER!
Today started out better than most. My horoscope says "You can change the direction your life is going in with one or two small changes" Well i know what direction i felt my life was headed in the past few days and I know what I need to do to change those fears from becoming reality. It seems that I give the best advice to my associates but I dont apply the same to my own relationship. Well now I am more focused. Okay I have a stupid paper to write and a test on the same day. I dont feel like writing it though so I'm not. LOL I will write it tomorrow when I can get to a library. In the mean time I am watching the america's next top model obsessed marathon. I want to go on that show.

So when all else fails and everything that could go wrong does, what do I do now?

What is wrong with her. She has not been herself lately. Is she really that frustrated that she cannot participate in the blu and white week activities due to her job or am i missing something? Whatever it is, it hurts. I'm trying not to cry but its really hurting my feelings, I didnt do anything to her. I hope this blows over, I hope my baby feels better soon because I miss my girlfriend.

I don't think she knows how much i love her, how much i care. I wish that she would know that I would never do anything to betray her trust. I would never cheat on her, I dont condone anyone disrespecting our relationship, even if that means giving up friendships. She is my heart, she is the only person in this world that i think could ever make me complete, who would i risk losing all of the good she brings into my life. Why would i risk losing the angel that God sent to me to be the rock I need, to give me strength when I am weak, to be my missing piece when I am feeling incomplete. I jus dont understand. Do i get mad and just flip out or do I simply prove her wrong? Nothing comes out of rage anger, and vengeance. So I have to set my pride to the side and prove it to her, show her that beyond a shot of a doubt, I am here until the end. I thought thats what I was doing but I guess I can try harder, I have to try harder my princess is worth all the effort, all the fight that I have in me. I love her.
I think I may have pissed her off because I fell asleep on her but honestly, I think that it was best that i did fall asleep because the conversation was not a good one. She was frustrated because she couldnt go out and I felt IDK call me a baby but i was only trying to make her feel better and it was like, she wasnt going for that. I understand though, I just wish that after all day sitting around thinking about her, texting about her, waiting for her to get off of work, when she finally gets off it was a happy moment. it wasnt. It just kind of hurt my feelings a little that when I woke up she only said "well gnite" Normally she tells me that she loves me and sweetdreams. It wasnt chrystal who was texting me last night and if the antibiotics and pain meds didnt knock me out, the night probably would have gotten worse. =SMILES=  I'm going to marry that girl!

i have been told before that I express myself better in words. [text messaging excluded] I guess that is because this way I can think about what I have to say with out the pressure of hurrying and speaking at that moment. Seems that I am not a good talker under pressure because the first thing that comes out of my mouth is usually the last thing I really am feeling. I know I am not the only one who is a victim of "word vomit". Word vomit is just what it sounds like, blurting shit out ya mouth unintentionally and feeling disgusted once u have said it. LOL Its no way to go back and change that shit, all you can do is wipe the tears away and clean up the mess you just made. The last time that i was doing the blog thing, (hell, when was the last time?) I don't know but my My MY how things have changed. And what great changes have come in my life! The biggest change is, well her name is Chrystal. Chrystal is the most beautiful person in the world. Inside and Out. She is all I could have ever wished for. Her level of intellect, drive, personality, style....we are so in sync it is ridiculous. It just blows my mind that that "soulmate" shit is actually true. I mean yea yea i Know I am an avid dreamer but she is my fairytale. Well my PG 13 fairytale, i dont think there were any lesbian makeout scenes in Cinderella, BUT IF THERE WERE, she would be my costar. I can truly say that , I'm in love. It feels so good to say that and mean it 100%, no questions asked. I think about her more than I think about my self, I mention her name more than I think about mentioning my own, I would give her the world if it was mines, but since it isn't I will give her my world. Since I have some consistency in my life, I guess this will be my permanent blog, I have been trying this since 2003. Well...I guess you can say in all aspects of my life I'm starting over....again But This Time, I MEAN BUSINESS.